CUSTODY DISPUTES—SOME THOUGHTS

I believe all divorces with children should have joint custody unless there is incest, family violence or abuse ( verbal or physical).

As a family therapist, I believe that children need two parents. When there is a divorce, the message to the children is to choose up sides.  This is cruel and unusual punishment for children. Children love and need both parents.

When couples have children, conflict becomes apparent upon the birth of the first child. The couple usually has learned different rules about child rearing.  One may be too harsh and the other is too liberal or is perceived to be by the other partner based on the way they were raised.   Unless they compromise and develop family rules that are mutually enforced, there are problems.

I am concerned about the psychological affects on children from protracted custody disputes. Protracted custody battles are difficult for children.

Parents must consider the best interest of children in these situations.  No matter how angry you are with the spouse, you must look at him and co-parent with him in the best interest of the child or children. You owe the children nothing less. They are entitled to the love of both parents.

When I was being trained as a therapist, we used to believe that custody battles were the way that couples clung to the relationship. We were trained that custody battles were a symptom of a lack of an emotional divorce. The solution was for the couple to enter therapy so that they could separate peacefully.  “Conscious uncoupling” if you will. Now they appear to be power and control or money issues as well.  Best interest of the children is being forgotten. It hurts me to see and hear of protracted custody battles. I see the pain and imagine the scars these battles are creating for the children.  Parents should stop these battles. Someone needs to grow up in these relationships. There is usually no right or wrong.( Absent abuse or family violence).  Compromise is needed. Someone needs to consider the children. Lawyers usually want to stretch out the case for legal fees.  They need to stop this behavior and consider the families. Someone needs to consider the children in these matters. Family Courts have become the biggest perpetrators of pain to children and families. Someone needs to look at their activities. There is a need for major reform in Family law in most states. We need to consider the children in these family disputes. Parents must learn to learn to love their children more than they hate their spouses.